i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
