Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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