Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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