were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
