I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
