I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In America we eat man semen.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
