I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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