I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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