i don't like sucking hair
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
