my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
