pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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