remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
