Tell her she can't have a vagina
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
