listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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