I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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