my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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