I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
