I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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