ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
