dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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