You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
