captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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