you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
