You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
