This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
