Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
