i wish there were pregnant emoticons
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
