I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
