I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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