The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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