Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
