My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
