He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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