You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
