ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
