I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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