I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
