ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
