shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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