just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
