EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
