fuck your aforementioned shoe
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
