I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
