Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
