You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
