So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
