Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
