During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
