I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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