I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish you could order shots online.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
