I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
